Cost effectiveness...

What does it cost to stay alive? What price does a person of influence have to pay to maintain a spirit that is attractive and inspiring? What thoughts have to fill your soul in order to have a message to give to people on Sunday morning worth listening to? What torment must be endured to be a vessel of God that is fit for His use? What pain must be assumed and embraced to reach the masses that approach life with such a suspicion of the propaganda? What ridicule must a heart undergo in order to stay close to the heartbeat of the world? Is the "Shadow of Death" the address of the follower of Christ? What cross must be carried?

I had someone ask me if I understood the influence that I have on people. They asked me if I grasped the way my speaking touches the human spirit. I'm not sure that I do. But I immediately thought, "It's nice to feel like you're making a difference in someone's life, but the cost to keep my heart poised without being poisened sometimes causes me to question if it's worth it." The sleepless nights. The devil's advocate in me. The dangerous quest for truth, no matter where it leads. The gut wrenching heartache induced by a glance at the world around me. The angst I live with contunually...wrestling with contradictory thoughts about Christ and Christianity. These are the things that make me the vessel I am. Some days it seems worth it...others, I am left to wonder.

So whenever I have my ego stroked, I am quickly reminded that a minute of influence costs a day of questions. An hour of power costs a week of weakness. A day of ecstacy costs a year of agony. Only the human soul will know what I'm talking about in this excerpt.