big fat lies...
this is monday...it is exactly a week since my last post. Mondays are strange days for me. For one, it is actually my Wednesday, my hump day so to speak. And yet it feels like a good ole' fashioned Monday regardless, because for everyone else I'm interacting with it actually is. So I'm caught betwixt two realities. A place that has become somewhat of a home for me.
The reason why this has become somewhat of a norm for me is that I'm always living in the middle of what is real (the seen world around me that I'm intersecting) and what is more real (the unseen world around me that I'm trying to intersect with everything I've got). It's like both are real and depending on the hour and who I'm sharing that hour with, I flop back and forth like a fish out of water, or a bird under water. Either way, I'm a cohabitant of two distinctly real worlds, but real in their own way. I must admit, the tangible/tactile world makes it difficult to pay attention to the inaudible/unseen world that, by faith, I believe surrounds me.
I feel drawn to thrown myself into both of these worlds. I love being a human on this planet. Sure, it has it's drawbacks and pitfalls, but all in all, I love culture and nature, and very much enjoy the opportunity to be alive in such a ripe age of history. And yet, I love the world that pulsates under and over and around and within what I see...so much so that I talk by myself (pray) and sings songs toward it (worship) and talk to others about it (preaching) and try to get other to order their lives according to it (discipleship). It's kind of crazy.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a client of the product I'm selling. It's a wonderment that can be quite unnerving. Days and weeks and even months can go by without second-guessing my infatuation with the unseen world, and all at once, I'll be struck with a pesky little thought..."What evidence has there been recently that I'm not just weaving a clever spell out of nothing (ex nihilo). Am I using the product I'm selling or am I mindlessly contributing to the glut of propoganda that comes from untested, unquestioned auto-pilot theory?" I've learned that I can sell something that I don't use or own over the years. It's not just possible, it's quite likely if I don't catch myself being a talking head or a lifeless sounding board to regurgitated so-called truth. I'm nothing more than a parrot, a puppet on some days. I've completley forgotten or discarded my "responsibility" to strain, filter, process, distill, and discern. These self-checks serve to keep my life and my ministry and my marriage from becoming different comparments in a scitzophrnic existance. I never want to get used to living an unquestioned existance. I actually would rather lived out an unanswered one if given the option. An unaswered one can at least be chalked up to mystery and glorious unknowns, something I'm getting more comfortable living with. But an unquestioned life leaves me feeling quite fearful that I'm actually living out a life that is nothing more than a big fat lie.
And I hate big fat lies.
The reason why this has become somewhat of a norm for me is that I'm always living in the middle of what is real (the seen world around me that I'm intersecting) and what is more real (the unseen world around me that I'm trying to intersect with everything I've got). It's like both are real and depending on the hour and who I'm sharing that hour with, I flop back and forth like a fish out of water, or a bird under water. Either way, I'm a cohabitant of two distinctly real worlds, but real in their own way. I must admit, the tangible/tactile world makes it difficult to pay attention to the inaudible/unseen world that, by faith, I believe surrounds me.
I feel drawn to thrown myself into both of these worlds. I love being a human on this planet. Sure, it has it's drawbacks and pitfalls, but all in all, I love culture and nature, and very much enjoy the opportunity to be alive in such a ripe age of history. And yet, I love the world that pulsates under and over and around and within what I see...so much so that I talk by myself (pray) and sings songs toward it (worship) and talk to others about it (preaching) and try to get other to order their lives according to it (discipleship). It's kind of crazy.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a client of the product I'm selling. It's a wonderment that can be quite unnerving. Days and weeks and even months can go by without second-guessing my infatuation with the unseen world, and all at once, I'll be struck with a pesky little thought..."What evidence has there been recently that I'm not just weaving a clever spell out of nothing (ex nihilo). Am I using the product I'm selling or am I mindlessly contributing to the glut of propoganda that comes from untested, unquestioned auto-pilot theory?" I've learned that I can sell something that I don't use or own over the years. It's not just possible, it's quite likely if I don't catch myself being a talking head or a lifeless sounding board to regurgitated so-called truth. I'm nothing more than a parrot, a puppet on some days. I've completley forgotten or discarded my "responsibility" to strain, filter, process, distill, and discern. These self-checks serve to keep my life and my ministry and my marriage from becoming different comparments in a scitzophrnic existance. I never want to get used to living an unquestioned existance. I actually would rather lived out an unanswered one if given the option. An unaswered one can at least be chalked up to mystery and glorious unknowns, something I'm getting more comfortable living with. But an unquestioned life leaves me feeling quite fearful that I'm actually living out a life that is nothing more than a big fat lie.
And I hate big fat lies.
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