my worst nightmere...

Last night was one of the longest nights of my life.

I prayed with Kami before bed and spoke of my love for her and her beauty within the prayer.

When I said, "Amen", she looked at me with eyes of longing and innocence and said something that has made me cry several times throughout the night and twice this morning--and it's only 9:51am.

"Dad, I don't think any boys are going to want to marry me."

uuugh. I felt my spirit twist inside my body.

I calmly responded, "What makes you say that?"

She looked at me and pointed to her left hand, "This hand."

I asked her, "what about your hand makes you feel that boys won't want to marry you?"

She said, "They stare at it and say it's wierd."

I don't have time to engage the whole conversation with you. I have a meeting in a couple minutes. All I can say is that it has debilitated me. I feel paralyzed in almost all other areas of my life. Just thinking about it now is making my eyes well up with tears.

"Dad, I don't think any boys are going to want to marry me."

11 words that are tearing my heart apart.

I can't even keep going with this blog...


olga said…
So sorry, Jason.

This may sound cliche, but--
the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
David Cortner said…
My heart has been heavy all day. I have asked others to pray and used Jeremiah 29:11 as a souce of my prayer, especially "plans not to hurt you". When I told Kathy about this (Heidi had called earlier) I cried too. She is special to many...I trust God will give her grace to learn to be special to herself!
kamirose1 said…
How thankful we are that you are the daddy given to Kami Rose. When that precious little girl grows up I guarantee you will receive a phone call from her thanking you for your overwhelming unconditional love for her. Our hearts are broken, as well. I am confinced that when our children and grandchildren hurt, the pain we feel as parents or grandparents is felt perhaps deeper than what they feel. Even though you and Heidi love those girls so much, our heavenly Father loves them even more. You both are wise enough to direct those precious little ones to the One who is the ultimate Healer of Broken Hearts. We are so proud of you and thankful to call you our son-in-law!
Kathy Cortner said…
Hi Jason, For some reason Kami Rose came up as the sender. Sorry! Who knows what I did. Love ya, Me
Kate McDonald said…

my heart broke as i read this...i really don't know if i have anything worthy of saying in light of what you and heidi are feeling...

i just love your family so dearly. i am thankful that kami has you and heidi as parents. i know you both will listen to God and that He will guide you through these murky waters of how to handle these conversations. not even 1% of me doubts that kami will grow up to be confident, strong, compassionate woman who knows her worth as God's child.

i am also thankful you both have kami. although i knew her as a younger child, she struck me as such an intelligent, inquisitive and imaginative little girl.. what a precious gift your lives as parents and what a special gift to aly and taylee as an older sister.

i love you all and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Anonymous said…
I've read faithfully in the shadows and want to comment and challenge you with this. Today, Kami's weakness is on video, and Jesus is on audio. You must work and we must pray that this will change. What a privilege that, by God's good grace, this precious child has you to initiate such a transformation. In his sovereign will no one is more capable to show Kami that "his strength is perfect in her weakness."
Angela said…

As I read this blog, my eyes welled up with tears. I am so sorry.

A verse that God has given me over the last couple of weeks is Psalms 118:23...the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes." I know that seems like a strange verse to share with you, but somehow it has encouraged me. I pray that God gives me the grace to shout that even in the midst of pain.

Cliff and I are praying hard for you & Heidi...we love you!!!

Andrew Falanga said…

I don't know what to say my friend. Being a father myself, I can empathize with your feelings of pain for your daughter. It really is a pity we humans long for love, but are so shallow in our pickings. Even at her young age, she senses this, though she might not fully understand the significance.

Take heart that the Lord feels her pain, and will not forget her. She will need a man of special character, and my friend, seeing her father I know that the Lord has such a man reserved for her if it's in his plan.

Dave Woods said…
J My Love:
If a boy choses not to see Kami for who she is I wouldn't want him to marry her. Her Love of her Life will long to hold her hand and Love her as Christ Loves the Church.

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