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Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Depression...

You struggle with depression?  So much has been written about this pesky debilitation.

I used to think it was feeling bored.  But that's not nearly as depressing as feeling boring.  There is something crippling about feeling like there's nothing about you that would produce anything but a yawn in the people around you.  You ever been in the middle of telling someone a story and they are glazing over with boredom?  When you feel boring, this belief can cripple your day from the onset.

I used to think it was feeling uninterested.  But that's not nearly as depressing as feeling uninteresting.  When you're in conversation and you've got nothing noteworthy to share, nothing to hold a persons attention.  When your life feels bland and banal.  If you start believing that your greatest thoughts aren't worth a pot to pee in, it's hard to even want to begin a conversation with someone.

I find that when I'm depressed it isn't because I don't want to be around people, I do.   I just don't want anyone to be around me.  I don't want them to be disappointed by my lack.  My lack of witty comebacks. My lack of youthful zest.  My lack of hopeful optimism.  My lack of charismatic joy.  When I'm down, I can't think about anything but how lackluster I feel and am.

I then get tired of hearing myself talk or write.  Words, words and more words.  They all start to sound the same.  I get bored of myself, I find myself uninteresting.  And this is when it can hit a paralyzing level, because at the core, one of the things that keeps you going is the belief that you have something to say into the world, you have something to offer, you have something that is needed and wanted by the general public.

But, at the end of the day, when all accounts are taken and you balance the books, words are generally just breath and sound evaporating into the wind like a morning mist.  You won't remember saying most of them and people will remember even less.  They are filler.  They pass the time.  They keep encounters with people from being highly awkward.  Words.

And this is really, really sad when you love words so much.  To come to realize that words are a dime a dozen.  Words and Spam.  The only difference between the two is meaning.  And do you know how difficult it is to make words meaningful when so many of them are being thrown around.  Let me answer that for you, really difficult.

Depression, rather deflation, happens when you offer up your best and your best can't hold people's attention because you realize that thousands of other people are vying for the same market share.  People are busy, they don't have time unless you're really interesting and have something going on that's more interesting than the next guy.  And that's hard to be...interesting.

Depression.

It's not about being bored, it's about being boring.
It's not about being uninterested.  It's about being uninteresting.

This is depression...at least a form of it.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is ironic that you say this because it is your very words that captivate me during your sermons. I can honestly say that there's not one sermon I've walked away from without thinking "that was so amazing" and I'm not exaggerating. Even this weekend, my usually introverted husband said your sermon was really good and he couldn't get it off his mind!

Keith Williams said...

I feel depressed sometimes, and yeah I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head about boredom. It can feel like you wanna do something but nothing sounds good, or you wanna talk but don't have anything to say, or you want adventure but can't drag your butt out of the chair. Like a big rainy cloud overhead or a weight on the shoulders. Just my experiences. Depression really sucks.

Amy said...

Every minute of every day of my life is like this. I'm ashamed of my light because so many peoples shine so much brighter than mine. I'm rarely ever happy. I feel like all I have is the darkness because the light no longer wants me. I can't even ask for help because that means I'm seeking attention and I'm not supposed to do that. I was raised to the role of helper, the one who offers support, the one who is supposed to be the strongest and have the answers. I don't think anyone has a clue what a coward I really am.

Heh now I'm feeling guilty for posting because people will see it and think I'm trying to make it about me. I just really wanted to let you know that you really hit the nail on the head. The loneliness is the worst part, especially if you're convinced that those who are more interesting only listen out of a sense of obligation, and not because they actually want to hear you.

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