the dread of the dream

Well, it's only 5 shorts days away and I'll be heading off to Columbus to record my first studio project. Lord knows that I've been dreaming about this for longer than I can remember. It's funny how fearful you can be when your dreams finally come true. The closer it gets to leaving and laying things down in the studio, the more afraid I am to do it. Before, you could do a stupid little mix in your garage or church youth room and tell someone, "Yeah, here's the music, but it really is better than this." Now I'll hand someone the album and say, "This is the best I can do." and leave them to decide for themselves whether it turns their crank. Funny how it's almost easier to let your dreams stay inside to nurture and protect than to invite them out for a watching world to evaluate and critique. I felt less nervous putting together junky recordings and handing them to people so long as in my mind I could hold onto the hope that the music was always better than the recording rendered it. This opportunity next week leaves no room for that kind of disclaimer. And I don't think I like that.

I wonder if anyone else has dreams that stay inside for fear that if they were pursued, it wouldn't feel as good as telling yourself how great they are hypothetically speaking. Theorizing and Fantisizing is more pleasant than risking the exposure of a fraudulant dream. I feel like a piece of my world could come crashing down around me next week. Part of me wants to leave the dream be, concealed within, reduced only to talk and maybe's and someday's. But, alas, the luxery of talking about the dream is over...now I'm left to live it. I hope this experience is everything I'd dreamed it would be. If it isn't, I will probably be more depressed than ever before in my life. (granted, I won't look like it. I will say things like, "It was just great to finally get a chance to record in a studio." or "This must not have been God's will like I thought it was in my head." or "Maybe all those times I thought I was hearing his voice I was just talking to myself." or "It's no big deal, I didn't think anything would come of it anyhow." or "Hey, everybody's got dreams. Honestly, how many actually get to see them come true?"

And with that I will walk away from the conversation knowing that I was a schmuck who is running away from reality again. The only difference is that now I'm not running from my dream, I'm running from my dread. The dread of living with a dream unfulfilled. Can there be a harder thing to live with...I think not.

Here goes nothing (that's what I'll say on the outside)
Here goes everything (that's what I'll be thinking on the inside)

Here's to taking the road less travelled by...