It's been a while since I've tickled the keys of my computer for the purpose of slogging through a blog. There are times when I need a breather from the world of words. Though I find journaling my thoughts to be therapeutic and cathartic, there are those seasons when it becomes a drudgery and those are the times I distance myself from contaminating the joy of writing with obligatory nonsense.

I feel my heart surging as of late. There are times when life seems to be on a crash course and I'm overwhelmed by almost everything around me. Granted, most of the chaos is only present in my mind, but it still feels real. I don't seem to have the same stamina to bear up under life's demands and duties. I get taken out quite easily. A simple word. A small disappointment. A disowned desire resurfacing. An abiding lonliness though I'm always around people. A loss of heart. A listlessness that renders me useless. A feeling of defeat before I start to try. A gradual leaking of passion until I'm left dry and brittle. An overwhelming sense that I'm failing someone or at something. A civil war between my emotions and my mind. A constant questioning of my motivations. A starvation for simplicity and innocence again. A pit in my stomach that something's about to come unglued. A premonition that people are disappointed in my decisions. An unshakable feeling that I'm becoming boring, uninteresting and increasingly banal.

But as I said, my heart is surging...those feelings haven't been quite so daunting the last couple days. I feel spry and eager, trusting and at ease. I can't say as if I have any idea why. I just do. I sense God stirring inside me, and I don't always feel that. I feel that latent desires are awakening and emerging from deep below the surface of my skin. And I'm thankful.

Though I am growing to follow Jesus regardless of how I'm feeling on a particular day or week, it sure is nice to have my emotions standing along side my motions. It is enough to follow Jesus because He is. I must continue to remind myself of that, so that I'm not more in love with my ideas of Jesus than Jesus, or my desires of Jesus than Jesus, or the blessings of Jesus than Jesus. I've fallen prey to those subtle shifts before.

So I will bask in this sunray of strength right now. The clouds are surely on their way, but I will enjoy the sunshine in the meantime.


Teresa said…
I'm glad that you opened your heart like you have, Jason. I've been in the many places you've mentioned - infact I'm in a lot of them right now... so know that you're not alone.

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