rational lies...

right now...I'm telling you, right this very moment, I'm being stirred toward the holy heart of God. Certain seasons of my life beckon me into his happy heart, a treasured and vital piece of his heart indeed. But the joy is tasteless unless it comes from a place of peace with God. And peace with God cannot occur outside of a serious pursuit of holiness. And serious would not describe my pursuit for quite some time now.

It's like I've been drawn to being real more than being true. And truth will take you to the real, but real doesn't always lead you to the truth. We are in a generation of cool Christianity. Relevent, slick, cutting edge, culturally savvy, progressive, trendy, modern...and honestly I get quite sick of what it produces deep in my soul. I feel like it poisens me. It can numb me, desensitize me, put me in a stupor, a slumber of sorts.

I long for the days of my faith when I burned cd's, knelt when I prayed, wrote Scripture on memory cards and carried them with me, put my pocket Bible in my back pocket, posted Scripture on my walls, worshipped with abandon, and took sin seriously enough to treat it forcefully and unapologeticly. I feel like I'm so mature now, so politically correct, so scared of legalism, so worried about offending people or ruining the Chrisian curve, so blended and braided with the world I'm not sure where God begins or ends, where sins begins or ends. It's so blurry and so murky, I'm just saying I think I've bought into something shady sometimes.

I want to be more devout, more commited to creeds than needs. More rooted in devotion than emotion. More achored to truth than feelings. I want more reverence and less relevence. I want to stand out if that's what obedience leads to, I want to fade away if that's what obedience leads to. I want obedience to take me wherever it will instead of my obedience being contingent on whether it fits my lifesyle.

I just feel so far from where I should be and I've done it to myself. I need to graft myself back into the holy heart of God. Without legalism, withough judgementalism, without condemnation, without guilt, without shame, without fear. I need to long for righteousness because it's right.

I tend to rationalize which is not more than "rational lies". The lies I tell myself these days have never sounded more rational...that's downright scary.


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