taciturn and tentative...
It never ceases to amaze me.
One day you're in a stride gliding effortlessly across the continuum of life only to wake the next day feeling like a different person altogether. What was fluid yesterday is clogged today, jammed with conflicting emotions and insecurities. If you would have asked me yesterday how I was doing, you would have heard something like, "Life is good. I feel free and centered." If you were to ask me this morning, I would say something like, "Life is leaky and leaking. I can't put my finger on it, but something spilled out last night in my sleep and I woke up empty and pathetic."
This is the curse of being human. Finite and fragile. Prone to atrophy and entropy.
I'm forever tangled in the web that conjoins the kingdom of heaven and the fiefdom of earth. Some days I feel like the spider skating across its surface hovering above safe and sound, other days I feel like a fly caught within its crisscrossed clutches...my convulsing only making matters worse as I fight to free myself from its silky bondage. I am a spider one day, a fly the next. And you wouldn't believe how little it takes to induce the change. Sometimes the cause is so miniscule I can't even troubleshoot its origin.
All I know is this...yesterday I was effervescent and relaxed...and today I am tentative and taciturn. Filled with second-guessing and the secondhand feelings...(by secondhand I mean I watch myself from without even as I type this...out-of-body, onlooking, outlying).
But I know this too shall pass...it always does. I don't know why I feel compelled to journal it for future reference, but I do.
I wish I was stronger. The fact remains, I'm not.