Needs to needles...wine to water.
I do not write often enough about wonders of my wife. She is my best friend and my "soulover".
Last weekend we experienced the inevitable bumps in the road along the way. There were dissimilarities of perspective that were throwing monkey wrenches into the gears of our relationship. (notice I said, "monkey wrenches" plural, this was not just one thing) Our time with each other was minimal due to weddings, parties, and God-only-knows-what else. Our proximity to each other's deferred hopes and dismissed hurts was getting further and further apart. And when needs go unmet, something interesting happens. Needs turn into what I call "Needles". Small, sharp needles that prick the inside of your heart incessantly, causing irritation and agitation. I felt them inside of her, I felt them inside of myself.
For three days they reproduced like jackrabbits inside my abdominal cavity, causing deep discomfort and masculine paralysis. I wasn't sure of the cause of every one of my feelings anymore, I just knew they were there and they were cloning themselves by the hour. I could see her heart closing off to me as my heart shut down and went into a coma. Again, this lasted for three days inside of me, even after we talked and got some of our thoughts out on the table.
Late nights of disagreement. Sleepless hours of tossing and turning in bed. Zombie-like encounters with people throughout the day as I nursed this unavoidable reality or discord going on in the primary relationship of my life. It's like trying to go and pick apples with an artificial limb. You can do it, just not real easy. That is what life feels like when I'm not in sync with my wife, artificial. My interaction with ministry, friends, my daughters and my world seems robotic and retarded. I'm just not myself when my wife and I aren't ourselves. It's that pesky "one flesh" thing.
But on Tuesday night, I was finally able to write a long letter to her verbalizing my thoughts. It took some time to turn the water of feelings into the wine of words, but this is always necessary in order for the genesis of reconciliation. I spoke out my burgeoning frustrations as well as my deepest apologies from my own deficiencies. It felt good to get stuff processed in the open.
To make a long story less long, the last several days have been wonderful. There has been a new surge of love and lust filling our hearts for each other. There has been a high sensitivity to each others needs keeping them from turning into "needles". There has been laughter and late-night conversations. There has been friendship. Deep friendship.
How I love her. She is my lifeblood.