I had an affair...
Have you ever been seduced? I mean really enticed by someone asking you to leave what you love the most to embrace your fantasy.
As far as I know, there is only one time when I felt like I was being played by someone, tested, tempted. It was after a time when I spoke at a college gathering. There were people waiting to talk to me after I was done and so I listened and shared and laughed and asked questions until finally there was only one left. She was a college student who was struggling with her relationship with her boyfriend and threw out the statement, "I just wish he was more like you...passionate and in love with Jesus." Something inside me just shriveled into a prune. I immediately looked around and the place was empty...I was on a campus an hour from home in an empty room with a beautiful girl telling me her relational woes and sizing up her boyfriend to my heart for God. I was only half listening to her as my mind started to race to possible scenarios. "Should I just turn and run? Should I close up this conversation with prayer and jet? What if she comes toward me to hug me when we're done talking? Is she coming on to me? Why is she sharing with me her disappointment with her boyfriend? Where did everyone go...does she know we're alone...did she plan to be last in line on purpose? Where's my wife and why didn't I bring her with me." She was talking as my mind went crazy...I heard, "Blah blah blah feeling bad blah blah heart for God...blah blah stressed out...blah blah...what would you do...blah blah blah..." I think my face was white with fear. If she was seducing me, she had to see that I was shutting down. If she wasn't, she had to wonder why I suddenly glazed over and became cold in the middle of her sob story. Either way, I felt like a sitting duck.
Fast forward to last week...it happened again. There is only one woman in my life...that's the way I like it. But in the parking lot I was propositioned to trade my beauty for something younger, more zesty, and in much better shape (sorry babe). I can't lie, I had been feeling like my defenses were getting weaker over the past year, but I didn't know how vulnerable I really was until the opportunity presented itself. That's the trouble, most guys don't know how strong they are until they're tested. They have a false sense of pride and then, bam, they fall prey to the overwhelming temptation before they knew what hit them. Here's the deal I love my girl more than most men. She is faithful and over the years we've become soul mates. But the last couple years, I've let my eyes bounce around to others. At first, you feel guilty and convicted, but then you get accustomed to lusting and it doesn't seem as repulsive. Slowly, my conscience was disinigrating and I was becoming dangerously familiar with fantasizing about what I didn't have. And that's where it starts...wanting what you don't have. Once that sets in, what you have doesn't seem as appealing.
As I stood in the parking lot and heard those words every guy wonders if they'll ever hear, I buckled. "Do you want me?" I looked at what I had, and in a moment of irrational weakness I gave in. And with one decision I left behind the one that had given of herself to make me who I am today. I could picture her face when she learned of my betrayal. I didn't know what I was going to tell her. I wanted to go back to her, but part of me had tasted what I had been daydreaming about for years...and I was strangely drawn back for more. I knew affairs happened, I just never knew they could happen to someone with my character and background. I'm loyal. I'm strong. I'm faithful. And in one moment, I traded what I had for what I wanted.
Don't get me wrong, I still love her, but she's been replaced by a younger model. Miss Acura has been swapped for Miss Mazda. She served me well for several years, but when the offere came, I couldn't resist. She still hasn't forgiven me. She sits at home in my driveway watching me drive away each day and weeps at the all the memories we've shared coming to an end. I sometimes can almost see a tear falling from her left headlight as I back out of the driveway and head into my day.
I still feel guilty for the affair. But sometimes you just gotta do what feels good.
I was given a car last week in the church parking lot...God is good.
As far as I know, there is only one time when I felt like I was being played by someone, tested, tempted. It was after a time when I spoke at a college gathering. There were people waiting to talk to me after I was done and so I listened and shared and laughed and asked questions until finally there was only one left. She was a college student who was struggling with her relationship with her boyfriend and threw out the statement, "I just wish he was more like you...passionate and in love with Jesus." Something inside me just shriveled into a prune. I immediately looked around and the place was empty...I was on a campus an hour from home in an empty room with a beautiful girl telling me her relational woes and sizing up her boyfriend to my heart for God. I was only half listening to her as my mind started to race to possible scenarios. "Should I just turn and run? Should I close up this conversation with prayer and jet? What if she comes toward me to hug me when we're done talking? Is she coming on to me? Why is she sharing with me her disappointment with her boyfriend? Where did everyone go...does she know we're alone...did she plan to be last in line on purpose? Where's my wife and why didn't I bring her with me." She was talking as my mind went crazy...I heard, "Blah blah blah feeling bad blah blah heart for God...blah blah stressed out...blah blah...what would you do...blah blah blah..." I think my face was white with fear. If she was seducing me, she had to see that I was shutting down. If she wasn't, she had to wonder why I suddenly glazed over and became cold in the middle of her sob story. Either way, I felt like a sitting duck.
Fast forward to last week...it happened again. There is only one woman in my life...that's the way I like it. But in the parking lot I was propositioned to trade my beauty for something younger, more zesty, and in much better shape (sorry babe). I can't lie, I had been feeling like my defenses were getting weaker over the past year, but I didn't know how vulnerable I really was until the opportunity presented itself. That's the trouble, most guys don't know how strong they are until they're tested. They have a false sense of pride and then, bam, they fall prey to the overwhelming temptation before they knew what hit them. Here's the deal I love my girl more than most men. She is faithful and over the years we've become soul mates. But the last couple years, I've let my eyes bounce around to others. At first, you feel guilty and convicted, but then you get accustomed to lusting and it doesn't seem as repulsive. Slowly, my conscience was disinigrating and I was becoming dangerously familiar with fantasizing about what I didn't have. And that's where it starts...wanting what you don't have. Once that sets in, what you have doesn't seem as appealing.
As I stood in the parking lot and heard those words every guy wonders if they'll ever hear, I buckled. "Do you want me?" I looked at what I had, and in a moment of irrational weakness I gave in. And with one decision I left behind the one that had given of herself to make me who I am today. I could picture her face when she learned of my betrayal. I didn't know what I was going to tell her. I wanted to go back to her, but part of me had tasted what I had been daydreaming about for years...and I was strangely drawn back for more. I knew affairs happened, I just never knew they could happen to someone with my character and background. I'm loyal. I'm strong. I'm faithful. And in one moment, I traded what I had for what I wanted.
Don't get me wrong, I still love her, but she's been replaced by a younger model. Miss Acura has been swapped for Miss Mazda. She served me well for several years, but when the offere came, I couldn't resist. She still hasn't forgiven me. She sits at home in my driveway watching me drive away each day and weeps at the all the memories we've shared coming to an end. I sometimes can almost see a tear falling from her left headlight as I back out of the driveway and head into my day.
I still feel guilty for the affair. But sometimes you just gotta do what feels good.
I was given a car last week in the church parking lot...God is good.
Comments
. Your language, if I must say it, has me thinking that you have thought some of those things yourself as most every guy I know, has. Stay true. I appreciate you.
Ryan