obscurity...
I know this will sound proud, like I want everyone to know me, but that's not the heart it came from. It just surfaced as a sigh of sorts...an exhaling of the weight of the humanistic wrestling with the wish of the heroic. I write this stuff to stay alive, not to trash life. As I wrestle, I rest.
Obscurity
Even the most outgoing are unknown really. You can try really hard to be a household name, but at the end of the day, you more than likely will find yourself ending where you began…alone and tired. The only difference between the end of the day and the beginning, is the bed head and bad breath that accompanies the dawn. It’s sort of depressing to think about much—the relative anonymity of one’s life, I mean. If you don’t work hard at staying connected, people will forget about your existence. Even those that used to be close friends will drift away to the open sea. If you don’t do anything noteworthy or exemplary, it’s easy to feel worthless in this world. It’s quite natural to sink into a depression about the whole thing…the futility of life. Days come and go and very little seems to change, to happen. You try to make a difference, but many times spin your wheels trying to get a grip on the slippery road of relativity. Meaning has a way of being illusive and teasing as it darts to and fro. Sometimes, I feel that I’ve gotten a hold on it, but when I draw it close to me, it vanishes like a vapor. I’m left feeling somewhat betrayed, but have no one to blame but myself.
I know people feel this…I talk to them a lot. They are working just as hard to keep interesting. It’s harder to stay interesting than it is to stay interested. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I can hold people’s attention, like I have to nurture a new trick or skill to appease the consumer in them. It’s tiring to try to stay appealing, attractive. I’m not talking about physique either…I’m speaking of personality…personhood. Who I am never feels like it’s enough.
I want to be content…but mostly I’m concerned. Concerned about my development. Concerned about my maturity. Concerned about my well-roundedness. Concerned about my approaches. Concerned about my output. Concerned about my appearance. Concerned about my cultural prowess. All these concerns are concerning.
It’s hard to keep up with the masses…the herd. They are always forward thinkers. Free thinkers. Creative as all get out. Innovative to the core. Savvy in about every genre of life. Poised as peacocks. Sharp as tacks. Tough as nails. This herd of humans keeps you pacing back and forth …those that settle in become settlers in the settlement. Those that keep moving become movers in the movement. I want to be a mover, but I get tired….very, very tired.
Tired of playing for keeps. Tired of thinking too much. Tired of making my mark. Tired of leaving a legacy. Tired of staying on the ball. Tired of keeping on my toes. Tired of staying on top of things. Tired of having wisdom beyond my age. I’m just tired.
So I sit hear in the woods for the most part unknown trying not to become unknowable. May this obscurity never lead me to that dark place. I want to keep open to the idea of making a difference even though right now I don’t feel I’m making much of one. Better to be obscure with God than renowned without Him.
Obscurity
Even the most outgoing are unknown really. You can try really hard to be a household name, but at the end of the day, you more than likely will find yourself ending where you began…alone and tired. The only difference between the end of the day and the beginning, is the bed head and bad breath that accompanies the dawn. It’s sort of depressing to think about much—the relative anonymity of one’s life, I mean. If you don’t work hard at staying connected, people will forget about your existence. Even those that used to be close friends will drift away to the open sea. If you don’t do anything noteworthy or exemplary, it’s easy to feel worthless in this world. It’s quite natural to sink into a depression about the whole thing…the futility of life. Days come and go and very little seems to change, to happen. You try to make a difference, but many times spin your wheels trying to get a grip on the slippery road of relativity. Meaning has a way of being illusive and teasing as it darts to and fro. Sometimes, I feel that I’ve gotten a hold on it, but when I draw it close to me, it vanishes like a vapor. I’m left feeling somewhat betrayed, but have no one to blame but myself.
I know people feel this…I talk to them a lot. They are working just as hard to keep interesting. It’s harder to stay interesting than it is to stay interested. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I can hold people’s attention, like I have to nurture a new trick or skill to appease the consumer in them. It’s tiring to try to stay appealing, attractive. I’m not talking about physique either…I’m speaking of personality…personhood. Who I am never feels like it’s enough.
I want to be content…but mostly I’m concerned. Concerned about my development. Concerned about my maturity. Concerned about my well-roundedness. Concerned about my approaches. Concerned about my output. Concerned about my appearance. Concerned about my cultural prowess. All these concerns are concerning.
It’s hard to keep up with the masses…the herd. They are always forward thinkers. Free thinkers. Creative as all get out. Innovative to the core. Savvy in about every genre of life. Poised as peacocks. Sharp as tacks. Tough as nails. This herd of humans keeps you pacing back and forth …those that settle in become settlers in the settlement. Those that keep moving become movers in the movement. I want to be a mover, but I get tired….very, very tired.
Tired of playing for keeps. Tired of thinking too much. Tired of making my mark. Tired of leaving a legacy. Tired of staying on the ball. Tired of keeping on my toes. Tired of staying on top of things. Tired of having wisdom beyond my age. I’m just tired.
So I sit hear in the woods for the most part unknown trying not to become unknowable. May this obscurity never lead me to that dark place. I want to keep open to the idea of making a difference even though right now I don’t feel I’m making much of one. Better to be obscure with God than renowned without Him.
Comments
Chris Nelson, Patsy Zeller's Guy Friend
I understand what you wrote. I can't relate entirely because I'm not a pastor like yourself, but I do see where you're coming from. Life has a tendency to where us down ... that's what life does. I just heard on TBN from a woman that when we get saved, the battle begins. I feel as though I'm in a battle most days, and while some are tough, God seems to know how much I can take ... then He steps in and shows himself in a big way, like only He can. Jesus didn't promise us an easy life ... he promised us eternal life.
Until next time, peace.