Verily, Verily I say unto thee...

Well, it's a day off which simply means to me, "A day not to be on." I get tired of being on, don't you.? On fire for God. On top of my game. On top of the world. On the money. On the up and up. Being on is exhausting. I'm learning that in order to be on, I have to be off for a while. Off the platform. Off the internet. Off the phone. Off the high of ministry. It feels so good to shut off for a while.

The only problem is that I have to be on at home. I can't shut down for my family. I don't want to use my days off to neglect my wife and kids. So I'm trying to figure out how to be off from ministry while being on for family. If anyone has any tips or techniques, put a message in a bottle and float it my way.

I've been somewhat stoned lately. I use stoned in the loosest sense of the term. What I mean is that I feel like I'm a stone watching the world move around me. I find myself stairing into space. I don't know if this is a God-induced coma to give my spiritual immune system all the energy it needs to rehibilitate my spirit or if I'm just a shmuck.

Kami and Aly had their first day of school this week and it was brutal. Kami didn't want to hold my hand or give me a hug when I dropped her off. I leaned down to kiss her and she turned her head away in embarrassment. I was devestated. I know, I'm a grown adult that need not be alarmed at the moods and attitudes of my children, but I was torn apart inside. That day, I picked her up and she gave me the cold shoulder as if to say, "Thanks for everything, but I'll take it from here thank you very much." I wanted to ring her neck...and yet I found myself giving her the silent treatment in return. I wanted to hurt her the way she was hurting me. Silly, I know. It's funny how your kids can wield such a power over you at times. They know how to crush your spirit....boy, do they ever know.

Heidi had to remind her to kiss me this morning before she left. There was something unsettling and unsatisfying about that kiss. A kiss born from a reminder or an alarm doesn't feel the same. It seems forced...scheduled. It feels like she has less of a need for me, and I'll be honest, I'm not handling it well. For years, I've been looked upon with adoring eyes. My strength was matchless. My word carried power and authority. My affection was soaked up for all it was worth. I was the man of her life. I was the man.

But I'm not so much anymore. With every year--who am I kidding?--with every day, she moves outward toward other things, other people, other ventures, other feelings, other places...and I feel left behind...I feel like my left behind.

Sometimes I love seeing my children grow up, but today I'd rather cram them into a wooden barrel and feed them through a knothole for the rest of their lives. I'm not dealing with the letting go process very well. Verily, Verily I say unto thee, I hate this.

Comments

I remember when my girls went through this at about the same age as Kami. Boy does it cut like a knife when we are faced with the brutal truth of their desire to venture off into the world without the need for a tight fisted clutch entangled in our own palm. After about a year of dealing with my unquenchable yearning for the continual displays of effection I began to realize the more I expected some sort of equality in the depth and types of display from I to them and them to I the more torn up I was over it. After a year of agonizing over it I began to just love on them as my heart led me without an expectation of the same returned. I can tell you now that it has come full circle as they are growing older and more mature/secure and I am blessed to have them constantly remind me to hug, kiss, and love on them (even in public!!). Just last night I was able to cuddle with Rachael as I was reading in bed and during those moments I realized that I needed that security as much as she and how my continual love for her did not go unnoticed during her growing stages. You have amazing daughters and they will go through the stages as all do but you can count on one day soon you will feel that tug on your sleeve from your little angel desperately awaiting for you (her main man) to share the affection that you both desire in your hearts. Until then...just love them as always.
Jim
Mr.Ty said…
With a newborn I don't really relate to the second part of your entry, but the first part I really do. I have so much trouble being "off" and that isn't fair to my family. There's a good book, that you may have already read, but thought I'd throw it your way. "Choosing to Cheat" by Andy Stanley. Its about not cheating your family but instead cheating the church when it comes to time. Just a suggestion for you. BTW I love the CD thanks for taking the time to record it...Ty
Michelle said…
Ja,
Just remember that no matter how old your girls get they will always need their dad. They might not admit it when they're older, but they do.

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