I feel this so much right now...

The Wellspring…

It’s silly really to write down
The stuff inside my head,
One second I’m on top of it
The next I’m all but dead.

I want to keep it to myself
And yet I want to share,
To lock it up and toss the key
Pretend it isn’t there.

Most don’t mind to hear the stuff
That makes them feel at home,
But any time I vent the junk
I’m swiftly left alone.

The looks I get, the puzzled words,
Or no response at all,
Leaves my heart to question why
so few will catch my fall.

It’s like they want me to be real
As long as real means nice,
But when I show the darker side
It’s like I’m rolling dice.

The crapshoot of my honesty
Will either draw or kill,
What makes the one uncomfortable
Makes the other thrilled.

I look about for someone else
That has the heart to write,
The things that hide inside the day,
yet surface in the night.

I wonder if another soul
Is spending time tonight,
Penning random wonderings
Beside the candlelight.

I find more peace in nights like this
Than almost any other,
Wrestling to stay alive
Instead of under cover.

“Make up your mind, you stupid boy!”
This phrase keeps bugging me,
I’m thirty-one, for goodness sake
What could my problem be?

But here’s the thing that most don’t get
About the life I live,
The time it takes to bind my heart
Is time I gladly give.

I love to sit and let my soul
Come up for air and breathe,
Telling me what matters most
That’s buried underneath.

The questions that emerge from it
Have never led to death,
Even if they make me gasp,
They always give me breath.

They don’t depress my heart a bit
In fact, they resurrect
Desires that are going numb
When cause has no effect.

There seems to be a lot at stake
As it relates to living.
The days are short to change a life
And time is not forgiving.

Tomorrow is another day
But that’s no guarantee
That I will purpose to redeem
The life in front of me.

That is why I have to think
About these things tonight,
For I must greet the dawn prepared
To brandish sword and fight.

I can’t expect to just show up
And let my instincts guide,
They have a way of leaving me
And running off to hide.

Passion today is nothing more
Than yesterdays resolve,
A choice that’s made in secrecy
That in the night evolves.

Growing thick within the breast
And setting it ablaze,
Burning up the apathy
And clearing up the haze.

Even if the thoughts I share
Make me look absurd,
They keep me from becoming one
Who’s seen and never heard.

Seen as one who rarely aches
With feelings of confusion,
Looked upon as something great
Becoming an illusion.

But that is just the thing I am
Afraid I will become,
A figment of the carnal mind,
A fabricated bum.

A fantasy that just pretends
To fill a public need,
Never letting people see
The things that make me bleed.

Illusions satisfy at first
But over time they die,
That always happens when we trade
Authentic for a lie.

So even if at times I make
A person double take,
I’d rather have them see the truth,
Than get to know a fake.

Above all else, I will guard my heart
Even if I find
This wellspring of my very life
Makes me lose my mind.

Comments

This adventure is not about me but Jesus, and apart from Him and the grace of the Spirit and Abba’s love in this process I would be lost and destroyed, or dead already. So let’s be people who rock the world, who fight for the unity of the heart, who embrace powerlessness and a love that is so wondrously painful that it threatens daily to pull us out of this age and into the presence of the One we so desperately love.

Paul Young, Author of The Shack
"We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship."

--The Weight of Glory
Eric said…
You are an amazingly gifted writer and thinker - the world needs to hear and read what God's given you. Truly and honestly I connect with these words you've penned - in my church...my authenticity has caused many to raise their brows, it's caused many to murmur and complain because they don't want to see or hear anything authentic...they only want what they know is comfortable and safe. Do I submit to their idea of how I should be? How Christianity should be? Or do I let God be bigger than the structures of the mind and allow Him to work above and beyond my grid in my life - even if that's not the 'norm' to some?? It's hard when you're tied to a paycheck at a church to be genuine and authentic when your financial situation depends on you fitting in with the church's idea of what you should be and think. Well, I think i'm rambling thoughts out now - but thanks for sharing this. Thanks for picking up the sword every morning and for being willing to share your journey with others. God bless.

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