Jason knew Heidi...and she conceived...
Genesis 4:1 - "And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain..."
I love that the Hebrew word for sex is the word "knew", not "screw".
When you engage in the delicacies of sex, you are entering into a world of knowing or not knowing. When you share the deepest of delights with your spouse, they are shared on the basis of knowledge or lack thereof. To the degree you know and are known, you will share that depth of sex. You can't enjoy any more than you know. You can't know any more than you've studied. So becoming a student of your wife is sexual.
Does your wife know you? Does she get to see into your soul? Do you let her into your world? Do you feel that she stays there very long when she gets there? Are you embarrassed to show her around your heart?
Does your husband know you? Does he ever ask you the "why behind the what" or is he content to just know the what? Does he listen well when you're sharing your heart? Does he seem interested in your thoughts?
If sex is anything, it is knowing. It is knowing or it is nothing.
Here are some things that surfaced today as I thought about whether or not I know my wife:
1. When I talk to her, do I look into her eyes or affect to look away because of some nameless awkwardness?
2. Do I listen with my eyes when she's talking to me or am I nervous to stare at her?
3. What is it about gazing at my wife in conversation that is unnerving?
4. Am I more concerned with my dreams coming true or hers?
5. When I affirm her, am I specific enough with my supposed affirmations or do I stay vague, general and generic?
6. Have a studied the lies she believes and prepared a combative response that fights away those insecurities with potent and custom-fitted truth?
7. Do I know her tones of voice that speak of lost joy, lost confidence or lost identity?
8. Do I know how to read between her lines and see her handwriting of the wall?
9. Have a spent concentrated time watching her interact with other people looking for what makes her come alive?
10. What makes her laugh from her belly? Why makes her cry from her core? What slight margins make all the difference between one emotion and the other?
11. When I'm walking the tight-rope measuring where to shift weight from one moment to the next, what am I looking for to determine those delicate fulcrum alterations?
12. Who knows my wife better than I do? How are they handling my wife's heart differently than I am? What can I learn from their tending, their tendencies?
13. Am I listening for the things she loves? Has she been giving me signals, signs of life, and I am not picking up on her holy hints?
14. Has my desire for the physical connection gotten in the way of my desire for the spiritual connection?
15. Does she know that I am proud of her? Does she have any idea of her value to me? Have I forgotten how important it is for me to communicate those sentiments to her out loud?
16. Do I keep asking her questions about her childhood, those seasons of her life when I didn't know her and wasn't there to witness her story? Do I care where she's come from--coming from--or am I content with face value?
17. Do I know her name? I mean, do I know what "she" means, who she is at the crux, what makes her tick, what makes her blood stir, what sweeps her away into daydreams?
18. Do I think about her when she's not around, does she doubt her place in my priorities? Does she feel "out of sight, out of mind"?
19. How long has it been since I just snuggled with her on the couch and tenderly touched her face with the reverence of catching a butterfly? To catch and not crush?
20. Have I written to her of who she is to me? Do I remind her of things about herself that she's forgotten? Am I her biggest fan?
21. Have I really looked upon her lately? Have I gazed upon her beauty following that trail to the heart from which it grows and glows?
22. Am I looking for new ways to say "I love you"? Am I fighting to keep things fresh?
23. Do I know what makes her hesitate? Do I know what makes her shake her head? Do I know what makes her talk herself out of things or beat herself up? Do I do anything about it when I see these things happening?
24. Are my children basking in the radiance of my love for my bride, my pride and joy.
25. If she died, would I die?
26. If I died, would she die?
Jason knew Heidi and she conceived.
She was born and born again. Day after day, born again with every new bit of knowledge exchanged, every bit of knowing absorbed. Day after day she became pregnant with new life, new joy, new hope, new dreams. She lives continually conceiving because I injected a vaccine of strength that came from the study of her holy heart. I mastered my wife over the years. I studied her every move, the darting of her eye, the twitch in her eye, the falling of her face, the resurrection of her resolve. I studied the words that she spoke and the words she needed to her.
And more than anything, I studied her eyes, her face, her smile. I gazed beyond her body into her being. I had sex with her being. She was mine, I was hers, and nobody knew us better than we knew each other. And out of this knowing, my wife conceived, becoming the women of God's dreams instead of the daily still-born woman I see in so many wives I meet.
I want to know her. I want her to know me. This is sex. This is good.