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Monday, May 02, 2011

being present...

I can hardly think about anything else other than the idea of being "present". It is such an all-consuming thought to me this morning that I'm having a hard time "doing anything". I want to just sit still and dwell in the moment I'm smack dab in the middle of so badly that I'm nursing a slow-boiling anger at the details and deadlines that demand my "presence" in the not-too-distant future.

I watched "The Last Samurai" last night and I had to shut it off because I was biting off more than I could chew, let alone digest. The idea of being devout was so gripping to me that I just couldn't take it anymore. But not the kind of "I-couldn't-take-it" that leads to normal defaults of resignation and retreat, but the kind that awakens you so suddenly and shockingly that you have to stop in the middle of it with the "knowledge" (the deep knowing) that you will return to it when you have the honorability to absorb it.

I want to be present. As I said before, I can't stand the thought of being anything else, really. I feel like I would give my left arm to achieve this place of honor. I would trade almost anything I have for the confidence that I am aligned in body, mind, and spirit. This solidarity is the pining passion of my searching soul. Life is moving at such breakneck speed that I have trouble keeping up with it most days, and honestly, I couldn't care less.

There are simple themes that feed me and I'm learning to lean into them, despite my feelings of "being left behind" or "missing out". These myths have held people hostage in concentration camps of small-mindedness for too long. They have done so for me the better part of my life. I know better now. It's whether I will enact this "better knowing" or continue to be driven by the drivel of my base urges. Ughh.

But I can taste it in the wind today. My taste buds are picking up on nuances of flavor long forgotten. Now to get myself to savor those flavors. And now I'm back to where I started. Being present.

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