high highs and low lows...
Who deliberately takes the initiative to ask someone to point out his or her gaping weaknesses? Idiots like me. Two days ago I asked my wife (who is painfully honest) to tell me some of my blind spots...my flaws...my disappointing features. She shook her head at first and said..."no, no...this isn't fair." But I continued to goad her and eventually she gave in and laid down the smack.
Her first "observation" was that I had "high highs and low lows". (I forgot to tell you that I was writing these down for future reference.) I proceeded to jot that down like it didn't faze me one I-oh-dah. She stammered through about three more before she laid down her sword and started to bind up my wounds. Like minds have a tendency to do, mine labored over that first one incessantly turning it inside out and evaluating it's every angle.
I had to conclude that my wife was spot on. I am a basketcase at times. Ascending to the highest peaks and descending to the lowest valleys. I feel things deeply...so deeply that I cannot convey the level of pathos aroused in given situations. Sometimes it paralyzes me, sometimes it energizes me, sometimes I laugh uncontrolably, sometimes I sob like a little school girl. I get quite, I can get loud. I can't stand not being around people (I'm social), I love to be alone (I'm a hermit). I overthink things...I sometimes don't think before I do something. Some days I feel like I want to conquer the world, other days I feel like locking myself in the house, pulling down the shades and letting my body slowly decay into the fabric of my couch.
But I was talking with Heidi last night about this. We had a wonderful discussion about God, life and the ebbs and flows of the story we live in. I mentioned to her that I'd been processing this "high highs/low lows" theory and she just laughed. I then explained to her that I would have it no other way...
I see a disease that has sticken a good many people that seems far worse in my opinion. It has it's draws for sure. It's promise of a balanced and level-headed life is convincing. But though the path seems more pleasant, it brings little pleasure.
It is the person with "High lows and Low highs". The one who has figured out a way to stay off the mountain and out of the valley. (lest you feel like I'm bashing this person...there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel drawn to assume this posture.) This person doesn't feel things deeply...they move along on cruise control occasionally hitting the acceleratior or the brake petal if something unusual occurs. But for the most part, 55mph works just fine for them.
But cruise control doesn't appeal to me. I want to suck the marrow out of the high high...and I want to sieze the moment of the low low. And I want to relish every second in between. The mirage of the level-headed, even-keeled, mellow yellow steady Eddie is just that...a mirage. I want to laugh hard and cry harder. I want to leave church spent and to go to church hungry. I want to get ticked off when something bombs and I want to zone when I need a respite in the middle of the battle. I want to be superdaddy with my girls and I want to let them see me fall apart. I want my wife to know the whole of me...warts and all...(or as one so aptly put it) farts and all. I want to stay restless and to sleep like a baby.
How, you ask, do I plan on doing this unthinkable task. I haven't a clue.
But this I know, the only thing worse than being a failure is succeeding at that which doesn't amount to anything. I want to fail if it means keeping my heart alive and in tact.
I have high high and low lows...I'm sorry. Does anyone want to join me?
My wife said she does.
Her first "observation" was that I had "high highs and low lows". (I forgot to tell you that I was writing these down for future reference.) I proceeded to jot that down like it didn't faze me one I-oh-dah. She stammered through about three more before she laid down her sword and started to bind up my wounds. Like minds have a tendency to do, mine labored over that first one incessantly turning it inside out and evaluating it's every angle.
I had to conclude that my wife was spot on. I am a basketcase at times. Ascending to the highest peaks and descending to the lowest valleys. I feel things deeply...so deeply that I cannot convey the level of pathos aroused in given situations. Sometimes it paralyzes me, sometimes it energizes me, sometimes I laugh uncontrolably, sometimes I sob like a little school girl. I get quite, I can get loud. I can't stand not being around people (I'm social), I love to be alone (I'm a hermit). I overthink things...I sometimes don't think before I do something. Some days I feel like I want to conquer the world, other days I feel like locking myself in the house, pulling down the shades and letting my body slowly decay into the fabric of my couch.
But I was talking with Heidi last night about this. We had a wonderful discussion about God, life and the ebbs and flows of the story we live in. I mentioned to her that I'd been processing this "high highs/low lows" theory and she just laughed. I then explained to her that I would have it no other way...
I see a disease that has sticken a good many people that seems far worse in my opinion. It has it's draws for sure. It's promise of a balanced and level-headed life is convincing. But though the path seems more pleasant, it brings little pleasure.
It is the person with "High lows and Low highs". The one who has figured out a way to stay off the mountain and out of the valley. (lest you feel like I'm bashing this person...there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel drawn to assume this posture.) This person doesn't feel things deeply...they move along on cruise control occasionally hitting the acceleratior or the brake petal if something unusual occurs. But for the most part, 55mph works just fine for them.
But cruise control doesn't appeal to me. I want to suck the marrow out of the high high...and I want to sieze the moment of the low low. And I want to relish every second in between. The mirage of the level-headed, even-keeled, mellow yellow steady Eddie is just that...a mirage. I want to laugh hard and cry harder. I want to leave church spent and to go to church hungry. I want to get ticked off when something bombs and I want to zone when I need a respite in the middle of the battle. I want to be superdaddy with my girls and I want to let them see me fall apart. I want my wife to know the whole of me...warts and all...(or as one so aptly put it) farts and all. I want to stay restless and to sleep like a baby.
How, you ask, do I plan on doing this unthinkable task. I haven't a clue.
But this I know, the only thing worse than being a failure is succeeding at that which doesn't amount to anything. I want to fail if it means keeping my heart alive and in tact.
I have high high and low lows...I'm sorry. Does anyone want to join me?
My wife said she does.
Comments