There are some days that I feel lost.

It's like I'm trying to climb a wall with vaseline smeared all over it. I can't get any grip, any traction. My mind gropes to cling to something solid and everything just is so slippery that I can't hold on to anything.

Last night Heidi and I were talking in bed and I felt helpless and powerless to know how to respond to her thoughts, or my own choatic thoughts for that matter. It's like the last few days have been I'm in them, but standing outside of them at the same time. My mind isn't relaxing into my's spinning a million miles an hour in opposing directions. I can't plant my feet on the ground.

In these times I feel like a failure on about every front...

In my family I don't feel like I've been spending adequate time with my girls. I've been so busy with so many things. I haven't been praying with them at night. I haven't been talking to them about their hearts. I haven't been playing with them much. I feel like I've just been frustrated alot with them. I've been quick to react to their immaturity, yelling at them for mistakes, yet not lifting a finger to train them out of bad habits. I haven't been holding them and telling them stories. I haven't taken them on a Daddy-date in a long time. I've been worn out and they pay the price for that wear and tear that I'm experiencing.

In my marriage I've felt particularly demoralized. My leadership in my marriage has been weak as of late. I shut down way to quickly over little issues. I get quiet and passive when I sense there is awkwardness between us. I'm not asking her questions as much lately and I'm certainly not as free to speak truth into her heart when I'm not feeling freedom and confidence between us. She has been sick for a long time and hasn't slept well as a result. She's been running like a chicken with her head lopped off trying to care for the mundane needs of our home and our schedule and that's wearing her emotions quite thin. Our conversations have been strained at best recently...and I'm not even sure why.

My ministry has been weighting heavy on my heart lately as well. I don't feel confident in my leadership in the last week and feel overwhelmed with it all. It seems that I'm having encounters with alot of people that are really struggling and I'm having a hard time not letting them attach to me and drag me down. I'm frustrated in how slow the process of spiritual growth really is. I wish I could speed up the journey, but alas, it is painfully slow. My own, and the people God has put under my care. I'm struggling to see the good in what I'm doing right now, though I know from experience that it's there, just not in plain sight right this very instant.

I know that as a leader, this is the time I must dig deep and rise above the rubble of my feelings. I must pursue truth and live obediently. I must "walk by faith, and not by sight" as Paul so eloquently commands. I have to live above the discouraging circumstances that seem to be pressing in all around me. A leader can see in the dark. And though I know this, it doesn't make it any easier when you're standing in the pitch black wondering how you're going to emerge from this darkness that is your life.

I say to myself, "It could be much worse." ... "Others are probably experiencing something much more profound." etc. But today, I feel suspended with unruly emotions seeking to find a place to land and come to rest. I hope that happens soon.


daizycrazy said…
I have been blessed, encouraged, frustrated, annoyed, challenged, and enlightened by your blogging. I wish I had some words of reciprocation, or advice to offer. but alas, my wisdom is very shortsighted : ). I simply wanted to let you know that I have reaped from your honesty and insights. thanks.
sam said…
there is nothing I can say that wouldn't sound like I'm minimizing your place but I assure you that its worth it, its all worth it. I really enjoy reading this psalm....psalmist.
Jeff said…
It is the valleys that make the mountaintops so glorious!

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