part of me...

Part of me wants...and another part of me feels...

I've always been intrigued by this expression. Splitting yourself into parts and acknowledging that we are in some deep place fractured. Half of us feeling completely opposite the other half. Pulling in opposite directions, in a straight betwixt two. I feel torn apart on same days trying to get myself together.

Part of me feels gregarious, another part of me feels melancholy.
Part of me is ambitious, another part of me filled with resignation.
Part of me loves people, another part of me can't stand people.
Part of me feels outgoing, another part of me is reclusive.
Part of me loves to lead, another part of me cowers away in fear.
Part of me feels like a conversationalist, another part of me gets unnerved in conversation.
Part of me enjoys activity, another part of me enjoys silence.
Part of me feels like a pastor, another part of me feels like a poser.
Part of me gets excited about God, another part of me doubts God.
Part of me has boundless faith, another part of me stumbles in the dark.
Part of me rises up to new adventures, another part of me enjoys traditional simplicity.
Part of me see the hope in life, another part of me is racked with pessimism.
Part of me feels creative, another part of me feels dry and sterile.
Part of me loves to listen, another part of me gets sick of hearing the same broken record.
Part of me is vibrant and passionate, another part of me is quiet and solemn.
Part of me is celebrative, another part of me is contemplative.
Part of me loves the future, another part of me pines for the past.
Part of me is progressive, another part of me is traditional.
Part of me wants heaven, another part of me loves earth.
Part of me has unusual patience, another part of me is a moment from exploding.
Part of me is relaxed and chilled, another part of me is wound up tighter than a snare drum.
Part of me is nonchalant, another part of me is anal retentive.
Part of me is drawn to culture, another part of me is repulsed by it.
Part of me feels good about my parenting, another part of me feels like a failure.
Part of me gets excited about setting the vision, another part of me gets overwhelmed by it.
Part of me wants to rise up, another part of me wants to curl up in the ball and cry.

It makes you wonder if David wasn't feeling this kind of stuff when he said, "Why so downcast, my soul, put your hope in God." It's weird to think that he was talking to himself, his own soul. Almost like he was trying to talk his soul out of discouragement. Other times he would say, "Bless the Lord, my soul." He would be encouraging that inner part of himself to extol God when it was sluggish or reticent to do so.

I don't know...I just feel like I'm talking to myself more lately. Trying to get one part of myself in tune with the other part of myself. It sound scitzophrenic, I know, but I'm not sure how else to describe this psuedo-psychosis.

I'm messed and blessed all at the same time...hmmm.

Comments

Teresa said…
We don't know eachother Jason, but I've met a few of the Adelsbergers briefly before and heard of you through them. Your writing has always amazed me... I love reading them.

And what you wrote about is something that I experienced last week. A part of me hated sin that I found myself in, and part of me desired that sin. I wonder if David also felt that when he commited adultry.

Thanks for sharing.
Teresa said…
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