old journal entries 2002 A.D. ...
Man, I just feel I have so much in my heart I can hardly find a beginning with words. We took Kami to the doctors in North Carolina and spend the good part of yesterday in waiting rooms, doctors offices and traveling in the car there and back. It was a taxing day and there were comments that Kami made that are not leaving my heart…it’s not like I can sleep them off or just busy myself with tasks until they’re forgotten. These words are forged into my soul and I’m undone…literally spent of heart.
Oh, I’m not depressed, just desperate for God’s wisdom, empowerment and warrior instinct. She made a comment yesterday that I can’t forget, “Daddy, when we go to the doctors, no more surgeries, right?” I answered her quickly, “No! No more surgeries today.” But even as I answered her, my mind was racing with thoughts of what she was experiencing inside. I looked at her and I could tell she was tense and uptight inside the whole day. She couldn’t pay attention when I would read her books…sometimes she would be in a daze and it would be hard to break through the preoccupation…she would grab around my neck and not let go even though there were toys to be played with. She was lost in thought and fear, and I kissed her literally hundreds of times to assure her of my love and presence.
Today, we had to put a patch on her eye to make the other eye grow stronger. We are going to have to do this for 8 hours a day for an indefinite amount of time until her eye strengthens. When we pulled out the patch and talked to her about the need for it, she sobbed a broken-hearted cry. As I put it on, she lowered her head in embarrassment and fear. I was broken…I sat her on my lap and told her how beautiful she was and how proud I was of her, but my words seemed to be insufficient to heal her heart.
It’s not like this little excerpt has any closure, cause we are in the middle of this experience begging God for the wisdom to act on behalf of our daughter in a way that won’t injure her heart and spirit. I’m begging you to pray for us in the coming days…some days I don’t feel strong enough to meet this challenge with courage. I need more than what I have…I need grace.
Do you ever feel like that? Like there isn’t really closure…it’s like you have to learn as you go and roll with the punches. Life is full of hurt…and it takes a strong heart to stay in the battle. Sometimes I fell faint, but I know God’s got my back…